Personal Reflections: BRCA Previvor Post Which is Definitely Not about a Spiritual Journey

Do the words spiritual and journey

make you wanna throw things?

You’re safe.

I just wrote a long poignant

stream of consciousness thing about mine

then blew it up.

It’s too important to get it right,

plus I am, as they say, in the throes.

Here’s a peek though:

my journey involves BRCA2,

physical challenges,

and feeling spiritually opened.

What has arrived with genetic test results

and surgeries is also an opportunity

to surrender.

So I am.

I am still trying to be a light for my mom,
who is battling Stage III breast cancer.

Honestly though I think I am failing

my BRCA2+ sister

who is blogging about her journey.

She’s very brave. She wants all the info.

I keep hearing myself ask her

some version of “will we EVER discuss

anything other than 3-D nipple tattoos?”

I’m not sensitive or compassionate enough.

I’m too busy broadcasting my own needs and

hotflashing and seeking distractions.

I want to do better, and already I think God

may be burning all kinds of unGodly crap

out of me.

Dude.

Is that what a hotflash is?

It is a humbling journey.

Even for

a girl occasionally clever

with ‘silver linings within the suffering’ schtick.

For a mama with her head in the clouds, painting

dreamy abstracts while stoned high on buttercream.

For a Real Housewife of True Dork City,

who just angrily called her shih tzu a weenie

(#menopause).

For an ungraceful

lover of words who can’t

pirouette for shizzle.

For a Sunbeam for Jesus with

doctorates in blogology and self-deprecation.

It’s helpful to write this schtuff down

because it leads to discovery and leaves

me only a tad nervous that at this

juncture you are looking for a blunt

object to hurl at the screen

because it sounds an awful lot like

a spiritual journey post.

Just before my mom’s mastectomy

Thanks for all the hand holding.

I honor you for reading.
(Learn more about my diagnosis here)

Peace to you right where you are.

michele

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23 Comments

  1. May 15, 2013 / 11:08 pm

    Sweet Michele,
    You are on your own personal journey and you are going along gracefully, not perfectly, no one can do that. Keep your heart and eyes open to the lessons and you will be covered in grace, my sweet girl. Love you, admire your bravery and your diligence, but most of all, your love for your Mom and sisters,
    xo Kathysue

  2. May 15, 2013 / 11:19 pm

    i am reading…and holding your hand…
    sending you light and love,
    erin
    xxoo

  3. May 16, 2013 / 1:19 am

    I am grateful that you are so generous and brave with your thoughts and your journey. Trust me when I tell you that what you are going through is for a reason and trust in that.
    I am with you, my hand will always be there for you 🙂
    Love,

    Terri

  4. May 16, 2013 / 11:24 am

    Michele this was possibly one of my most favorite posts of yours. Wow, girl you got me with every word!! I love your writing, it keeps me so engaged and wanting more, you are able to lace it with humor and good fun even when writing about something so serious, i am in awe of how you are truly able to see the silver lining in everything that happens.
    I love that last picture, it brought tears to my eyes. Sending you a great big hug and keeping you in my prayers:)

  5. May 16, 2013 / 11:27 am

    The best thing you are doing for all of us is sharing your journey as no two are going to be alike. If you want to throw saomething I say do it but lay off the pooch…lol, Luna looks cute! We're here holding your hand my friend and don't worry those hotflashes will pass.

    Much love to you sister girl!
    XXX
    Debra~

  6. May 16, 2013 / 12:52 pm

    I am praying for you, Michele. Hang in there friend. It is all going to turn at well.
    Teresa
    xoxo

  7. May 16, 2013 / 1:51 pm

    So glad you are sharing all this Michele. It seems this the subject of brca everywhere these days. Many women are choosing to be pro active and thank goodness we have found a way to reduce risk and save lives. Last night at dinner we found out that yet another friend is having surgery. Unfortunately she didn't do this SOON enough as she was diagnosed with cancer on one side. I'll be finding out more details today.

    You are brave Michele and I admire you courage and thank you for sharing your journey with us.

    xxleslie

  8. May 16, 2013 / 2:34 pm

    thank you for getting it! yes. every journey is going to be different. the choices and paths for each individual with the same diagnosis are so varied. here's a super tricky part that i'll write more about later: although i am not ill, my response to the current stressors will affect my ability to fight illness and disease which may be brewing. it's important to stay positive and hopeful so that at the cellular level, i remain healthy and strong. i have always been in love with the idea of healing, and this is a new chapter.

  9. May 16, 2013 / 3:46 pm

    Just checking in from
    my crazy May blog hiatus
    to see how you are doing.
    I am a journey follower, so
    am keen to listen and learn
    from you, fellow traveler : )

    Continuing to send prayers
    for your whole family. You
    are a true blessing to them all.

    xo Suzanne

  10. May 17, 2013 / 12:06 am

    Yes, MIchele, always stay positive and hopeful. Continue to find humor. It is the best medicine. I read your beautiful and humorous posts dealing with BRCA and it helps in understanding the fears and emotions of the women on this journey. It's far too common today. I know too many women (many very young) who have tested positive and have either gone through the surgeries (breast and ovaries) or are scheduled. Thank you for sharing 'your' story as it unfolds. You shed much light. xx
    Judy G.

  11. May 17, 2013 / 12:27 am

    Oh god, that was so awesome… I'm tryin to catch up on your posts now. I laughed when you said you called that sweet little innocent creature a weenie… still laughing. Hormones or the lack thereof is some crazy stuff. I think people with sensitive systems, who have had stressed adrenals… struggle harder. You're gonna be good though.

    Cindy

  12. May 17, 2013 / 1:19 pm

    Live each day at a time the best you can. It's really all we can do. Best! franki

  13. May 17, 2013 / 4:50 pm

    I really thank you for sharing your thoughts and perspectives. Although no two 'journeys' are alike, most DO have similar components. Aren't hot flashes awful…? Plenty of us can commiserate with that! And the furry weenie girl seems pretty happy with her status…although I am thinking she may soon elevate to DIVA! 🙂 Keep on keeping on (KOKO) You have lots of prayers headed your way…many are from folks you don't even know! Laura Roe

  14. May 18, 2013 / 1:10 am

    Oh sweetie ~ my heart just broke for you while I read this. I can't even imagine the thoughts swirling around in your mind amidst all the emotions. I just want to reach out and give you a big hug and tell you that we are here for you, supporting you, carrying you when needed, and lifting you high in prayer. You continue to be such a huge blessing to us all, my courageous friend. And you are truly loved!!! ♥

    xoxo laurie

  15. May 19, 2013 / 7:16 am

    Dear Michele… what a Beautifully Transparent and Heartfelt Post, totally Keeping it Real which I always Respect because Publicly and in Cyberspace that isn't always so easy or without risk. I'll hold your hand Virtually as well…

    Blessings and a big Hug from the Arizona Desert… Dawn… The Bohemian

  16. May 19, 2013 / 5:34 pm

    I am holding your hand tight my friend. And I will not let go.

    Yes, be kind to yourself. (You are a gift to Universe! Yes, really!). Less pressure sis. Less pressure. I know – easy to say. But try.

    You will get my crazy Swenglish voice on the phone again next week!

    Love, love, love.

    Mon

  17. May 19, 2013 / 8:50 pm

    Its so hard at times like this to just take a deep breath…remember to breath and believe in yourself, my best friend finally had the last of the reconstructive surgery, nipple and now will tattoo and then have ovaries out to lower estrogen surge. It sometimes seems like it will never end but it will and you will look back on this as some crazy universal test that you got through and made you stronger! So much good energy out to you my friend!

  18. Michele, my sisters and I have been pondering this test for a few years. Our mother was diagnosed at 36, thankfully she is a 30 year survivor. My prayers and thoughts are with you on your journey.

    Xx eluzabeth

  19. May 24, 2013 / 2:23 am

    Thanks for sharing with us your thoughts and journey. Hang in there, Michele. Everything will be alright.

    Hugs,
    Jessie

  20. May 26, 2013 / 12:47 pm

    Wish I lived closer to you my friend….I could be silly and make you laugh.

  21. June 4, 2013 / 2:46 am

    nope, sorry the words spiritual and journey do not make me want to hurl anything. they make me want to listen and nod. And encourage you on. Michele, please don't worry about sharing your struggles with your readers, the people who matter will always stick around.
    blessings to you and your mother and sis,
    Leslie (aka Gwen Moss)

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