Humor 2011: The Secret Life of Mrs. Clean

This is a really nice fridge that blends in with your cabinets. #remodel works

This morning I have an appointment.
With my refrigerator.

Fully-integrated refrigerator:

Please admire the host of
lovely refrigeration as you
are treated to a taste
of everyday humor
I pen for parenting and women’s magazines.

Hidden refrigerators - where Sub Zero excels...:


Two years have passed since I cleaned the inside of my refrigerator.

Showcase - European Inspired Kitchen:

I am otherwise immaculate. I feel I have simply earned the right to a certain measure of filth in my castle.

It is true I am blessed with OCD and enjoy a beautiful uncluttered nest. Most days the place appears to be tidy, if not spare on the surface. But since I live with teenagers who lack the gene for OCD, our home’s condition today suggests Mr. and Mrs. Clean have been out of the country for months.

Exhibit A? The basement. A filthy mancave where milkshakes and mud have comingled without de-fungal interference from anyone. Tie-dye parties, bloody ultimate forts (don’t ask), and heavy metal band rehearsals with un-showered groupies contribute to the foul aroma permeating this teen dungeon. When my immune system is stronger I intend to venture “into the unclean” with Lysol and a gas mask.

ciao! newport beach: inside Yolanda Foster's closet and home:

Exhibits B and C? Kitchen cupboards and closets so utterly crammed with overflow we have simply ceased using them. If you require a dish, please wear the helmet located next to the liability waiver there on the crusty countertop.

I confess I could co-exist for weeks within this teen-trashed homemaker hell were it not for the occasional itch to entertain friends. It always seems like an excellent idea to invite people over for dinner. Daydreams of us cozying up to a crackling fire lift my mood in the dead of winter.

Except as soon as the invitations have been sent, the daydream turns to terror, and Mrs. Clean has a panic attack. Her contamination will soon be on display! Evidence of her lazy teens will be revealed in broad daylight! Less disturbed and more civilized souls will be poised to judge the potentially condemning condition of her abode!

She visualizes herself manually guiding horrified guests toward the one room she found time to hose down. The thought will occur that the beachy chic décor of this living room quite borders on acceptable until her gaze and that of her guests meets the empty black box. It is indeed full of soot and not the romantic crackling fire she completely forgot to build.

Mrs. Clean is 48 hours away from welcoming guests to a dinner party for which she has neither cleaned, nor planned a menu. It occurs to her that if she fakes a brain aneurism, she may avoid addressing the urine-infused magnet for scum known as her powder room. And if she accidentally drops a tube of biscuit dough on her pinky, the clumsy cast would surely preclude her ability to clean toilets and mop floors.

I found this piece of gorgeous at this website!prettyPhoto:

The tube is returned to the sludge filled frig. There will be no visit to the ER today. Today Mrs. Clean will save the world. She will pen a list of chores, assigning a few to the three RockBand addicts in the mancave. Then she will execute them (the chores, not the addicts) as she channels Ms. Stewart and Julia. After all, she has performed this dance a hundred times and should know it by heart.

Today Mrs. Clean will dig deep. And there she will discover extra reserves of strength welling from a prideful place deep within her that is terrified her friends will see her for who she truly is: a procrastinating, poorly groomed, homemaking imposter who lives with three men in filth day to day, cleaning only for visitors. And drawing from those reserves, she will rise up and toil and sweat and shop and bake until she is certain all tracks have been covered and her secret remains.

Mini-fridge in island - drink fridge?:

That is, until one of her guests opens the refrigerator door.

by michele

Peace to you right where you are.



  1. July 18, 2011 / 6:05 pm

    Funny but you could always do what I do when I’m expecting dinner guests….I call the paid cleaning crew! I used to like to clean but I don’t know what happened cause I don’t like it so much any more but I like a clean house. I think it’s because I’m so busy everywhere else and I just run out of time so now instead of panicking when I want to have guests over I simply pick up the phone and let someone else clean my mess!

  2. July 18, 2011 / 11:57 pm

    oooh, i'm checking it out, sena! i'm horrible about things behind closed doors. don't get me started on the linen closet…


  3. July 19, 2011 / 6:28 pm

    Out of sight out of mind. or maybe just out of my mind! 🙂 I loved this, very funny and way cute! When I got back from vacation and started putting all my stuff away I was kind of horrified of all my closets and lack of space for anything. I think I need a professional organizer! 🙂
    Hope you are well and having a great week so far, stay cool!

  4. July 20, 2011 / 1:27 am

    Oh my goodness,
    there is so much
    kindred stuff here
    I can't believe it.
    To say I've been
    there is…well…
    true!!! Love your
    honesty and the fact
    that I've spent the
    last two minutes
    nodding and smiling.
    xx Suzanne

  5. July 21, 2011 / 2:45 am

    Alas, I too, have three teenage boys and two elementary age children who know how to make the most God-awful messes, but CANNOT clean up after themselves! I LAUGHED so hard at your descriptions of my…I mean…your house!

  6. July 21, 2011 / 3:18 am

    If you are planning to renovate your kitchen or starting a brand new home, try employing granite for your kitchen sink. You will find several good reasons to make use of granite as a kitchen countertops. These benefits are fundamentally more about durability and aesthetic value.

  7. July 22, 2011 / 12:46 pm

    Ha, this is hilarious and I relate! You are a brilliant writer, my lovely, so engaging and witty!

    Meera xx

  8. July 28, 2011 / 8:53 pm

    Just catching up with your world my love and this made me laugh! I love your writer's voice – its naturally warm and funny and relatable… and yes good god, even though I don't have teenagers, I do have cats who seem to just MOLT everywhere I've just hoovered. Some days, I can't fight it. It's not pretty but well, it's real life.

    My home is always at it's most sparkly when company is coming too – funny that, eh? xxx

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