waiting for WHAT'S NEXTFebruary 07, 2013
The snowglobe is back with a fury.
It's truly gorgeous, yet today it's moody
inside the globe due to cabin fever and
grief I feel for my mom who is sitting
with a port in her empty bosom at chemo.
They pump her full of medicine which will
for days keep her nauseous and feeling
as though she has been run over by a truck.
Tomorrow a painful shot will be injected
directly into her bones and wipe her out.
Normally, on a day like today
I would stuff myself with
delicious baked goods and maybe
fall to my knees in prayer.
Me and gluten are no
longer friends though.
So there's that too.
Cancer can easily steal a daughter's sense of humor,
and I friggin hate cancer for that...I can't stand
the femininity it steals from my mother
and these tears it claims on my keyboard.
*pulls it together*
THERE SHALL BE NO MORE PITY PARTIES
OR EMOTIONAL HIT AND RUNS
ON THIS BLOG TODAY.
BIG GIRL PANTIES
ARE BACK ON.
(I particularly like the big girl panties to 'dolls of my childhood' segueway.)
I feel my creative-self at a crossroads
and know from the reading
I do in blogland that many
of you can relate.
Everyday this week my heart has asked:
WHAT IS NEXT?
It's not worry. Not boredom.
Sort of a lesson in surrendering
I sense that I have to learn.
It's an invitation to open up.
I have written professionally
for magazines and web for 4 years,
and while publishing credits
are fulfilling (500+, mama!),
it does divert attention away from
creating art and working on a book.
Read about the BRCA journey of me and my sister
Is a book what's next?
And why is what I have to say important
in light of everything else being said out there?
Both my mom and sister in Arizona are
carrying unspeakable burdens, and I
would like to be accessible to them.
Is simply being near the phone
and frequent traveling what's next?
BTW, I am on facebook now to better
stay in touch, and hello lovely
wants to you like its page...I don't exactly
understand why...but they do, so you should.
Pursuing a Ph.D. is on my list;
is campus life next?
my bedroom at mom's
Our nest is nearly empty as our
youngest will head to college
in six months.
Is a new (and smaller!) home
construction project next?
you are making it
awfully hard for me to stay put.
I am unsure.
So I am being still.
I am listening.
I am telling my heart
it's okay we don't know yet.
I am praying for discernment
and peace as I wait.
I am counting my blessings,
aware that the sheer existence
of so many options available
means I am beyond fortunate,
abundantly rich in resources and love.
Thank you for reading me,
for keeping my mom in your prayers,
and for making Hello Lovely such
a restful haven for me.
Peace to you right where you are.